I'm quite proud of my ability to write bad poetry. Some of the worst examples are below.

A SCSI Sonnet

The bills mount up, and still I hear the whine
Of waning Winchesters in need of lube:
No point repairing that which can be mine
By waiting for the crash to seal the tube
Delivering the disk from corp'rate climes
Into my waiting bay with loosened screws.
The motherboard makes haste to ring the chimes
That make her daughter's wedding plans the news.
The terminator waits, resistance spent,
For that great night when union will be formed
Between those two whose pins so complement
Each other's holes-- but revelers be warned:
The groom is old; he may not last the night.
His warranty held only while on-site.

Reaction to the Bible

I Corinthians, II Corinthians,
red Corinthians, blue Corinthians.


God is suffering and we all carry on in spite
of this great freezing melodrama. This
is not furious questioning; rather it goes on calmly
but relentlessly.
Guns do not help.
Again we try, and again
the flying rabbits overcome us. They do not
think, they do not
stop, they do not
They are

Inverse Relationship (song lyrics)

When a magnet loves a refrigerator door
It's a healthy relationship indeed
If you take them apart by an inch of space
They will come back together with all speed
But if you separate them twice as far
Their love will be one-fourth as strong
And if you put a foot of air between them
Their hearts will tell them something is wrong.

But we've got an inverse relationship, right?
I miss you when you're so far away,
But when we get together is when we begin to fight,
And the black hairs of love turn to grey.

Most attractions are two-dimensional at best
If you see someone hot you feel a force
And if they're very near and they lick your ear
Then your nipples solidify, of course
But as they leave you at a constant rate
The distance between will expand
The force drops off proportionally fast
Like the breaking of a cheap rubber band.

But ours is an inverse relationship, no?
As soon as I get near you all I want to do is go!

[huge instrumental break]

Now, an ideal love would be focused in a line
Like a laser sent out from you to me
Which would not dissipate whether far or near
But continue for all eternity
But that's not anything like what we've got
The resemblance, if any, is slight
We've got to get our wavelengths synchronized
Before they mesh to form coherent light.

Yes, we've got an inverse relationship, girl
I love you when you're not by my side
But a ring on the phone makes my eyebrows curl
The doorbell makes me panic, lock the windows, run and hide
The revulsion you inspire wraps around me like a whip
I can't escape
this damn inverse

After all that, my futile attempts at writing good poetry should look brilliant by comparison. That's the real reason I showed you the bad stuff.

For some unintentionally bad poetry, check out every fiber of some other people's beings.

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